As I have grown older (and bigger) I have come to a conclusion: Fat looks better dark! Therefore, as summer gets closer, I am getting antsy about wearing my shorts (let alone bathing suit!). With all the dangers associated with tanning beds, I decided to try a spray tan. If you have never had a spray tan, live vicariously through me and then decide!.Step One: Call to ahead to schedule appointment.
Decide when to go based on the time the store is least busy (as if everyone wont know that the tan is fake).Step Two: The "Tanning Technician" tells me to exfoliate and not use any lotions or make-up.Step Three: Decide to bathe right before the appointment. Exfoliate.Step Four: Get out of Tub.Step Five: Realize you have major HAIR (down and around places that will get spray tanned) and get back in tub.
Step Six: Shave places you can't see. Become impressed my ability to stretch and bend like a pretzel. Wonder if there is enough hair to donate to "Locks of Love.".
Step Seven: Wonder if what my two-year-old daughter just witnessed will scar her for life.Step Eight: Go without lotion or make-up to the tanning salon (resist urge to itch immediate shaving burn and feel new "hairless backside.".
Step Nine: Act like I am not uncomfortable as I strip down to my thong undies. Feel good about the decision to shave (places down there).Step Ten: Put on silly shower cap.
Step Eleven: Attempt not to make eye contact with "spray tan lady," as the actual act of spraying someone else naked is awkward enough.Step Twelve: Silently clap inside as she doesn't not ask me to "bend over" to spray actual butt crack (the white crack tan line doesn't bother me!).Step Thirteen: Wonder if the "Tanning Technician" thinks stretch marks and veins on my backside is an actual map.Step Fourteen: Pretend that you don't notice has she has to go over your butt cheeks about 5 times (whereas every other area took once).
Step Fifteen: Pretend it isn't awkward as you life up your legs to ensure no "bikini line" tan lines.Step Sixteen: Let the stuff dry. Get board at the time it takes to dry and dance in the mirror with shower cap on after the tanning lady leaves the room.Step Seventeen: Go out of the tanning room and pretend that tanning girl and I are probably married in some countries (considering the things she has seen!).Step Eighteen: Replace all the tanning solutions back on the shelves that my two year old has taken down.Step Nineteen: Remove "palm tree" tanning stickers from my daughter's hair (and other body parts).
Step Twenty: Look in the mirror and think again, "Yes, even fat looks better tanned!".Step Twenty-One: Looks fabulous with a spray tan without the risk of the sun!.Step Twenty-Two: Tell everyone what an experience I had and certainly encourage them to go through the same things I had to!..
Amy Cummings is currently a stay-at-home mom who takes care of her two daughters. Amy is a special education teacher by trade. She created the "Knot Me" which helps eliminate knots and bald spots from riding in the car seat or stroller. They are available at http://www.theknotme.
com. In addition, she has numerous "Mommy Inventions.".
By: Amy Cummings